WFCN –
May God Have Pity on Our Souls; a “Doomsday Fish” Washed Up in California. Over the weekend, a group of athletic rescuers brought in the end of the world as they paddleboarded a 12-foot-long beast they spotted lying lifeless in the Pacific Ocean close to San Diego. Instead of acting as if nothing had happened, like most concerned individuals would.
This is false.
Swimmers reported the creature to authorities, who were overjoyed by the discovery and intended to conduct a necropsy to determine the cause of death, displaying the usual high levels of positivity and enthusiasm characteristic of Southern California.
What on earth is this enormous sea serpent-like object? What we see here is a gigantic oarfish, a deep-sea longboi with beaks whose entire family has been dubbed “doomsday fish.” This is excellent.
The oarfish is the longest bony fish on the planet, with a maximum length of 36 feet; these fish often inhabit depths of thousands of feet. Yes, and this is the most crucial part – oarfish are believed to foretell earthquakes and bring death, destruction, and fatal harm to all of humanity, despite their incredibly kooky features.
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Investigation Underway After Thousands of Fish Found Dead in California Lake: Authorities
According to the earthquake idea, oarfish are able to detect when there is seismic activity and quickly swim to the surface in a state of panic due to their proximity to the ocean floor. (Much like when we get those Shake Alert texts and everyone in San Francisco frantically searches for a table to hide behind.)
Some online sources claim that oarfish were seen in Japan prior to the 2011 tsunami, and that a pair of oarfish washed up on the shores of the Philippines prior to the 2017 earthquake with a magnitude of 6.6. Which strongly implies that the sight of an oarfish bystanders is a portent of our collective doom. ***
Just in case you can’t keep your composure in the face of these impending disasters, I suppose you can take solace in the fact that oarfish supposedly appeared in California in 2013, 2014, and 2015 without causing a global calamity. Hoping for the best.